Archive for March, 2009

Justin Long Gets Drew Barrymore Wet

The Hollywood dating pool must be getting pretty thin these days…

Former flames and co-stars Drew Barrymore and Justin Long will reunite on the big screen for the upcoming romantic comedy ‘Going the Distance.’

The pair will play a man and woman in a long-distance relationship who come to realize that they both would be happier dating someone closer in proximity, reports Variety. ‘American Teen’ director Nanette Burstein will helm the project.

Source: The Insider

Drew actually has a surprisingly tight little body there.  Who would have thought?  Underneath some of those outfits she usually wears which resemble a mixture of high fashion Woodstock and homeless lady in need of Jack Daniels, there is a reason why Justin would want to get a little more of that stank on his hanglow.  I give this reunion two butterfaces up!  And yes, ladies, ’stank on the hanglow’ is a common term used between guys when you’re not around.

Megan Fox Puckers Up

Megan Fox attended the 2009 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards on Saturday wearing a shirt that reminds me of those pictures you stare at in the mall while trying to make out the hidden object.  I’ve been glued to my monitor for the better part of an hour now, and all I can see is my bedroom and what looks like a bottle of wine.  All I need to do now is stare just a little bit longer to make out the phone number she most certainly slipped in there somewhere.  What can I say, no one ever called me a quitter.

Mariah Care & Nick Cannon

Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon, who must have reached the point where appeasing his diva wife will now be a full-time job, just bought her a small dog in order to shut her yap about wanting kids…

“I got her a short-haired Jack Russell terrier — a girl, named Cha-Cha. She’s 8 weeks,” Cannon, 28, told Usmagazine.com Saturday at a concert at Cabana One in Coconut Grove, Fla.

…Asked if there are any babies in the near future, he laughed.

Source: US Magazine

Just like Mariah, did you know that Jack Russells regularly become moody or destructive if they are not properly stimulated and exercised as they have a tendency to bore easily and will often create their own fun when left alone to entertain themselves.  Obedience classes are also recommended to potential owners as Jack Russells can be stubborn and aggressive towards other animals and humans if not properly socialized.

I can only assume that Mariah’s own self-created entertainment would involve screaming at the help for looking her directly in the eye and ordering 5 large ones from a place that includes both the words Pizza and Hut in their name.   You should have went with a St. Bernard, Nick.  At least that dog would have stood a better chance of getting some of that food away from her.

The Seaman John Mayer

Over the weekend John Mayer hosted a cruise in Mexico on the “Maycercraft Carrier,” whatever that is.  Now I’m pretty sure most dryers made today come with a low heat setting, even John Mayer’s.  So I think it’s time you had a conversation with your wardrobe assistant because this form of sexual harrassment is undeniable and to the point that the visual is  causing me undue mental distress .  On that note, I’m off to the mall to buy all of the triple X shorts I can find.

Katherine Heigl Looking Bitchy

Just as we were about to boot one of the ungrateful stars of Grey’s Anatomy into obscurity she has taken a que from Lucy and moved the football a split second before we were going to kick it…

Katherine Heigl has been a menace on the set of “Greys Anatomy” for about a year because she wants to leave the show that made her famous and become a movie star, like Clooney did with “ER”, and Bruce Willis with “Moonlighting”.  You may have noticed there’s like a 15-year gap between those two examples.  So did she apparently.  The AP says…

Katherine Heigl said Friday she’s ready to stay with “Grey’s Anatomy” and the decision rests with the show … she’s comfortable balancing movies and TV by working on big-screen projects during the summer hiatus for “Grey’s Anatomy.”  “I’m more than happy to make that compromise. I don’t know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two,” she said.

Source: WWTDD

But unlike Lucy, I think cunty Katherine would take it one step further with a follow-up that included the football, some Vaseline, and inflicting a certain act which makes most cringe in fear.  So be careful Grey’s Anatomy cast & crew.  I think a couple of you will be walking around rather gingerly for a few days.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  And just so you know she told me the store was out of Vaseline.

Madonna Is So Beautiful

A UK charity has some good advise for ‘It‘…

Madonna shouldn’t open her heart to another adoption, says a British children’s charity.

“You cannot literally take every poor child who may only have one parent living, or no parent living, across the world and transport them all into Kensington in London,” said Save the Children UK’s Dominic Nutt in an interview with the BBC’s Newshour program.

Source: E!Online

When a charity tells you to take a hike that should be a pretty clear sign that something is wrong with you.  I don’t want to brag, but I could tell a long time ago.  The morning that Dennis Rodman emerged from her bedroom feeling scared and violated all but sealed the deal for me.  Hey, society can only take so much before they have to protect their young from such a menace.  Sorry kid, looks like you might be battling those flies a little longer than expected.

Vince Shlomi & Beavis

Vince Shlomi, the Beavis-looking pitchman from the ShamWow! commercials, apparently doesn’t know proper hooker etiquette…

According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face. After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. “Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons,” police reported.

Source: The Smoking Gun

This really is a shock to me!  Who would have thought that the super manly and charming ShamWow! guy would have to resort to strolling for hookers.  I assumed all of the soccer moms were lining up at his door to exchange sexual favors for a basic chamois you could buy for $3 at the grocery store.  Boy, women are getting really stingy with their vaginas these days.  Must be the economy.

Romeo Dev

Aditya “Romeo” Dev of Phagwara, India, is a little person who’s at age 21, only 2 feet, 9 inches tall and weighs not even 20 pounds. Romeo is photographed outside his home and at the gym with his workout buddies where throngs of people crowd on a daily basis to watch him work out. Romeo is listed in the Guinness book of world records as the worlds smallest bodybuilder.

Source: Fame Pictures

WTF?  How could the casting director for Slumdog Millionaire deprive us of such a talent?  He would have been great as one of the kids.

Ivana Trump & Rossano Rubicondi

Ivana Trump, 60, and her husband Rossano Rubicondi, 37, have not only reconciled, but have also decided to fully commit themselves to reinforcing the sugarmama stereotype…

“They are very much together and ready to celebrate their first anniversary,” Trump’s rep Catherine Saxton tells PEOPLE. “They have been separated by work and geography but are truly in love.”

Source: People

Unless you had forgotten it was only 5 short months ago that this went down…

…Rossano Rubicond, was caught red-handed cheating on her while participating in Italian TV’s version of Celebrity Survivor.

Actually, cheating is a mild way to put it.

Rossano fucked another contestant….on the show!!!!

Source: Perez Hilton

And if you actually had forgotten I strongly encourage you to get in your car and go straight to the hospital to be evaluated for Alzheimer’s, as well.  What, you can’t find your keys?  See, I’m like the best internet doctor ever!

Paris Hilton's Gnarley Feet Pre-Intervention

I’ve noticed over the past 2 years or so that Paris Hilton has been covering up the things, that although ugly, make it possible for her to quickly get from one guy’s bedroom to the next with grace of a classically trained ballerina.  And I must say it is a welcomed sight…

Paris Post-Intervention

I don’t know who finally told Paris Hilton that her feet are ‘not hot’, but I would like to sincerely applaude them for stepping into the magical world of lost IQ points and taking one for the team.  Her gruesome sacrifice has made it possible for me to look at pictures of Paris without thinking what it would be like to get bumped by her mangled arthritic toes in the middle of the night.  Thank you, brave soul.