Archive for August, 2009

I thought grab ass was a teenager game…

Face & Hair – n/a

She’s 50 something so there’s no way it’s possibly getting any better.  I’m actually glad the pic is grainy in this instance.

Body – B+

Can’t see the drooping skin balled up around her joints here so we’re in pretty good shape.  Her legs and that little bit of butt check showing is actually making my pants move.   A lot of people don’t like girls to be this skinny but I disagree completely.  Being so thin it gives them some wiggle room for putting on a few when they start to get older.

Clothing - C+

Hate that ugly oversized shirt.  Want to see what’s going on underneath it especially in the boobage department.  Hoping they’re not as flat as that shirt’s making it seem.

Overall Look – B

Recommendation:  stop getting older and start getting younger again.  lose the lesbian haircut and show more skin.

Left foot, right foot.  I know it’s difficult to finally get the hang of it.

Face & Hair – B-

She’s got  little bit of the George Bush retarded look going on here.  Those ears are pushing the limits of Dumbo territory.  The hair should either be down or pulled back entirely and not just pieces hanging off here and there.  Eyebrows are nicely shapen and she still has smooth, tight skin so it’s still able to compensate for her future fugliness a bit.

Body - B

This girl has a good mid-body, nice stomach and small but decent chest.  She could work on her thighs and make them a little more toned.  Her shoulders are slightly hunched so keep an eye on her for osteoporosis.  And finally her hands don’t quite match the skin tone of the rest of her body.

Clothing – D-

I wonder how many trees she is aiming to cut down at forest she is on her way to?  She should put that shirt back in her Dad’s closet ASAP.  Those boots don’t match a damn thing she’s wearing.  They should be flip flops or super low cut sneakers.  Shorts are okay, but a bit too short and tight as there could be some ‘toe issues’ if some pervert were to look close enough.  Gray shirt underneath also works, but those shitty bead bracelets need to go.

Overall Look – C-

Recommendation: stop dressing in the dark

I guess she’s one of those skanky Pussycat Dolls.  Don’t laugh, every group needs an ugly girl.

Face & Hair – D+

I almost couldn’t look at it long enough to grade it.  I could feel my body slowly turning to stone.  Looks like an even uglier version of Bridget Nielson if that’s even possible.

Body – C-

Super white skin, flat tits, knobby knees, and her left leg looks like it was underdeveloped when her mother pushed her through the happy slot.  Basically, if you cut her head off and replaced it with Betty White’s I’m pretty sure that body would be pretty similar to what Betty is sporting right now.  And what’s with the pose?  Is she trying to hold in a fart?

Clothing – F

That dress looks like a black disco ball with hairy 70s bush on the bottom.  The shoes are borrowed from the Wicked Witch of the West, and the earrings just draw more attention to her head which is something this girl should never try to do.

Overall Look – D

Recommendation: stop with the stupid poses, get your nose out of the air, be happy someone even cares to take your picture, and eat less bran so you don’t have so much gas.

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson on Sunday after leaving church.  No bullshit.  Mel Gibson was at church to presumably ask for forgivness for impregnating a Russian model/singer/whore while still married with 7 other children.  It looks like it went pretty well.  Jesus is such a great guy.

Face & Hair – C-

Got a bit of the crazy face going on here.    Skin is looking pretty weathered and wrinkly.  A bit of sagging cheeks is causing his chin to look fat.  And wouldn’t it be something if his hair kept receeding straight back and left a mohawk with side hair?  That would be classic.

Body – B

For an old guy he’s still in pretty good shape.  No obvious fat roll or man tits, but he could spend some time shaving those gorilla arms down a notch.

Clothing – D

I think he stole a table cloth from Pizza Hut, dyed it blue and turned it into a shirt.  Then he stole a 15 year old’s shoes from his Homecoming outfit and didn’t even offer the kid a date with his daughter.  Cockblocker.

Overall Look – C

Recommendation: turn yourself into the Pizza Hut authorities, apologize to the 15 year old, buy some Rogaine, and ask Jesus to forgive you for flaunting your fat wallet in front of the homeless people camped out next to the church.

Danny DeVito

Danny DeVito ventured out last night to give us photographic evidence that he and Beth Ditto are in fact not the same person.  Damn, now I owe $50 to that transvestite hooker who sleeps down at the bus stop…

Face -C

Come on, it’s still Danny Devito.

Body - D

Again, still Danny Devito.

Clothing – B

Actually not too bad.  Stylish shirt and dress pants going on here.  The complimentary colors and vertical stripes distract you from his fat belly.  Those glasses are fucking disastrous.  When people get older it must be that either their heads start shrinking or the consciously buy huge frames.  You’re not in the mafia so take them back to LensCrafters and get something smaller.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: lose 40 pounds,  now I need photographic evidence that Danny Devito and Bruce Vilanch aren’t the same person.  gotta win my $50 back somehow.

Beth Ditto

I thought Charlie Brown wasn’t supposed to see the Great Pumpkin until Halloween…

Face & Hair – D

I think she is trying to eat her cheeks from the inside by the look on her face.  The only reason why I can figure she dyed her hair that color is to distract us from the John Goodman stomach she’s sporting.  I’m on to you, Ditto.

Body – E-

Do I even have to go into detail on this one?  Would someone please hide the Twinkies already?

Clothing – D-

I wonder if the designer could make a fabric that would be even tighter on her skin so I would vomit even sooner next time.  At least she picked the right color.  The only decent part about this whole pic is the shoes.  Take her feet out of them and we’re in good shape.

Overall Look – E

Recommendation: stay inside and away from cameras more often

Lindsay Lohan

Lindays Lohan hosting some event.  That company obviously doesn’t have much faith in their product.

Face & Hair – C-

Someone’s turning into a duck!  There’s something called pouty lips and then there’s blowing them up into pontoons.  She should never wear pink make-up of any kind, clashes with her pasty, freckled skin tone.  Hair is way too blonde and long.  Go back to a darker color and cut about 6 inches off.

Body – A

All I can judge are the legs in this pic because of the outfit, so…great looking legs.

Clothing – C+

I don’t even know what to call what she’s wearing.  The sheer top is horrendous.  The jacket looks like it has tails and she is off to belt out Beethoven’s 5th on a piano somewhere.  Her shoes are way too distracting and quite possible the most ugly thing I’ve ever seen.  And is she wearing fucking lifting gloves?!

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: no more pink Miss Freckles, get a decent pair of black pumps instead of those nightmares you have on now, squeeze some of the silicone back out of your lips, and darken the hair ASAP.

Hilary Duff

Jesus Christ, WTF!  She knows she’s in public right?

Face & Head – C+

Minus that whole ‘my teeth are too big for my face’ period, Hilary generally gives good face.  I don’t even mind the butt chin she has.  That hair is fucking horrible, though.  Looks like a drowned rat.

Body – C

What happened?  A few years ago she was really skinny and tight all over.  I thought she finally got it and was ready to become a bigger star not a fatter one.  You get bigger boobs out of that but they come at the price of even bigger legs.  Nice feet but like Christina Ricci her little toe is a bit too little.  Second and third toes could each be a little shorter, too.  Ruins the gradual slope of her toes.

Clothing – C

Where are you at a Wal-Mart parking lot?  Class it up a bit.  Lose the Spartacus sandals and the trashy cut-offs.  The shirt isn’t bad as it highlights your decent set of chesticles.  And quit carrying around cheetahs.

Overall Look – C

Recommendation: get a tan, lose the sandals, wear black to slim you down, and hire a new hair stylist.

Taylor Swift

Why all the hype over this chick?

Face – C

Alarmingly mediocre.  Is she half Chinese?  She has skinny eyes, her face is too round, and her nose is flat with disgustingly shaped nostrils.  Too harsh?

Clothing – E

When did Stevie Nicks come out with a clothing line?

Body – n/a

Can’t see anything but shit hair and ugly red/orange fingernails.  Alright, she has an acceptable neck.

Overall Look – D

Recommendation: pay your electric bill so your curling iron isn’t shut off halfway through doing your hair, peek your face out in the sun once in a while,

I still don’t really know what this girl has done for people to want to even take her picture, but let’s go with it anyway…

Face – B

Face is a little long and either the chin is a bit big or the forehead is too small.  Naturally attractive but nothing spectacular here.  Great smile takes her from a C+ to a B.

Body – C+

Your boobs shouldn’t be in the exact middle of your chest and going down on the elevator at your age.  Stomach looks okay, but why are we hiding it with that shirt?  Plus, she has ‘stips’.  For those that don’t know ‘stips’ are the upper body version of cankles where her stomach and hips are almost the same size.  She should definitely have slimmer hips and from what I can tell she has a flat ass.

Clothing – C

It looks like 50 guys shot loads on her shirt, lose it and those horrible bracelets.  Earrings should be smaller and get a better supporting bikini top.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: curl the hair a bit and give it a fuller look as it’s a little flat, keep the great smile, burn the cum shirt, and use a ButtMaster to get some ass cheeks.