Archive for September, 2009

Face & Hair – C

Hair is too blond with a red tinge to it.  Go a little darker because blond actually doesn’t work on you.  Makes you look dumb.  Parting it in the middle like that is weird.  You’re hair shouldn’t look like that ever.  She has a crazy left eye, too, and the smile reminds me of Jim Carrey in The Mask.  The fat cheeks on her are kinda cute but that’s about it.

Body – B+

She sure got some saggers on her, doesn’t she?  Those things are headed straight for the floor.  The rest of her body is nice.  Like the feet, legs, and arms.  Probably a great ass in there as well.

Clothing – A

The dress is sitting too far down on her body but other than that it’s a nice look.  The shoes and purse compliment the dress and it all works.  Get rid of that ugly fucking bracelet, though.

Overall Look – B

Recommendation: hike that dress up, dye the hair, and don’t smile so much.  it scares the children.

She probably shouldn’t have left the house after 1993.

Face & Hair – C

What the fuck is going on with her left eye?  It looks like some joker with Photoshop decided to freak us a ll out by making her eye twice the size of the other one.  And if you’re going to bleach your hair such a bright color the least you could do is retouch the roots once in a while.  That nose has bigger bumps on it than Pamela Anderson’s chest.  She has attractive lips, though.  Maybe they would give a good enough performance to distract me from her enchanting gaze.

Body – B-

At leas she’s thin but her ass is definitely flat.  Nude there is probably some flabby skin under there.  Her arms look really long, too.  She has cute feet but the legs need toned and her knees are fat and scary.

Clothing – D+

That dress is straight ugly.  It looks like you’re going to put a swimming cap on and hit the water.  The arm band is a disaster and the shoes are an awful color.  Never wear metallic anything on your feet.  That’s what old women do.  Oops, sorry, I guess you are pretty old now.

Overall Look – C

Recommendation: get on the internet and find a recent picture of Tiffany then hope she’s worse off than you

Someone should thank this photographer…

Face & Hair – C+

Hair is way too bleached out.  Most girls look really bad with wet hair but she isn’t bad.  Lips are too pumped up but, other than that, can’t pick out any horribleness.  She has nice eyes and a cute nose.

Body – B

Thick thighs, wide hips, manish hands, but it all means nothing when you have your knockers sticking out like that.

Clothing – A+++

It’s perfect!

Overall Look – B+

Recommendation: go swimming more often with your boobs popping out

Face & Hair – B+

Although she has a nose that could probably rival the smelling ability of most dogs, I still find her very intriguing.  Hair is a shade too blond.  Should be a color that matches her eyes.  Make-up is nice but her cheeks are a bit too red.  Chin is longer on the right side than the left.

Body – B+

She’s killing me with those tanned, smooth legs.  They look so damn good.  Her feet are a bit veiny and look pretty big from this angle.  Boobs could be slightly bigger.

Clothing – A-

That dress is straight sexy.  The see through part at the top that shows the black bra underneath is just too hot.  It’s like you’re getting to see something you’re not supposed to.  The shoes are a little odd with the snake skin look, but it still works with the outfit.  Would rather they had been a dark purple or black.

Overall Look – A-

Recommendation: keep making sure they never take a pic of your profile

Last night my grandmother passed away from pneumonia.  While I’m very saddened by her passing, I’m hopeful that she is now at peace after suffering for the past 9 years without my grandfather.  They we’re truly the most loving couple I’ve ever known and the thought that they are together again warms my heart.  Love you grandma.  RIP.

I guess the ‘Teen Vogue’ advertisement in the background should have been a clue.

Face & Hair – B+

Is her hairline receding on the sides or is just me?  The big, red cheeks remind me of Santa Claus on Christmas night.  Her left eye is slightly bigger than her right.  Overall, though, she is very attractive here.  The red lipstick compliments her hair very well and her face shape is fairly proportional.

Body – A-

Arms could become a problem in the future.  They’re a little flabby up top and could use a few weeks in the gym to tone them up.  Legs are smooth, tanned, and perfect.  Feet may be a size or two big for her body.

Clothing – B-

A simple red dress would have done wonders here.  This thing is too complicated with its hundreds of circles.  It distracts you from her figure and in the wrong light could blind someone.  The shoes are too thick.  Strappy black shoes should have been the choice.

Overall Look – B+

Recommendation: hurry up and turn 18

His daughter Miss Katie Cassidy for your enjoyment…

Face & Hair – A-

Not much I can complain about here.  Hair looks great, eyes are stunning, nose is petite, lips are sexy, and ears match her head size.  Only issue is her chin.  It’s short and pointy compared to the rest of her face.

Body – B+

More tits, please.  Gotta get those things pumped up a bit.  They’re too small and look non-existent on her.  Overall body tone is fantastic and the tan really helps the definition to pop out.  Those legs are just too sexy.  Tattoos need to be lasered off immediately.  Girls, please stop ruining your bodies like this.

Clothing – B-

Alternating nail polish is a little 4th grade of her.  The mismatched colors of her dress, though, seem to work on her.  The skirt part has a waistband that is way too high on her body.  Putting it up that high will not push your boobs up more, my dear.  Love the small black purse and diamond earrings.

Overall Look – B+

Recommendation: call Dr 90210 and slap some Cs under your chest, stick to a single nail color, and hike that skirt down (preferably around your ankles)

Face & Hair – B

The hair is a trainwreck.  Reminds me of Bridget Nielsen in Rocky III.  It’s just poofy and weird.  Head is slightly too big for her body but the face is cute.  Either the mouth or the teeth are too big but it’s hard to tell from this distance.

Body – A+

Those legs are perfect.  I wouldn’t care if God himself walked up to me and said anything different.  I would call him a fucking liar right to his face.  Nice, thin frame which accentuates her tight ass and funbags.  They could be small but who cares.  My mind is too busy thinking about licking hot fudge off of her thighs.

Clothing – B

If you just took the arms and way oversized shoulder pads off of the dress is would look really great on her.  With a plunging neck line and the shortness of it, she would have to beat men off with a stick.

Overall Look – A

Recommendation: just change the dress and the hair and don’t smile so big.  otherwise, congratulations, you’re a genetic lottery winner.

Face & Hair – A-

Her hair is always flawless.  Shiny, straightened, and well colored.  I love the big eyes which make her look innocent and sweet.  The mouth is a little big but at least her teeth aren’t all jacked-up and crooked.  And, plus, big mouths are always good for some things.

Body – B

Why are her legs a completely different color than the rest of her body?  It’s like the blood is rushing as far away from her head as possible.  Good thing we know she has great tits underneath that dress (be sure to rent Havoc when you feel like spending a weekend alone in your room with a bottle of moisturizer and a box of Kleenex).  She has attractive feet and a thin body but it lack tone mainly in the shoulder and arm areas.

Clothing – C+

It’s actually a nicely cut dress but it doesn’t fit her body properly.  Hip portion is too wide and the color is well, revolting.

Overall Look – B

Recommendation: hit the gym, do a handstand to even out your skin color, and do another movie where you show your chest.  just say it’s for the troops and everyone will be cool with it.

Who knew Courtney Cox was in Michael Jackson’s will?  Nice to see she’s putting his clothes to good use.

Face & Hair – C

She’s turning into a raisin right in front of our eyes.  Double smile lines next to the mouth and bag under her eyes.  And ladies please stop with the dykey haircuts.  Although they take less time to style, they cetainly are sexy.  Always put your looks ahead of everything else.

Body – B-

I’m amazed her hands haven’t gotten all veiny yet.  Her feet are another story.  Big toes look fat, there’s a bit of evolution toe, and she definitely has some bunions going on here.  Upper thighs and hips are wider than they should be.  Upper body is hard to tell but I think she’s okay up there.  Tits are probably sagging, though.

Clothing – C-

Honestly, the shoes are the only acceptable thing going on here.  Pants are way too dark and the jacket is laughable.  Can’t believe her taller, uglier friend to her left is actually trying to copy her style.  Bad move lady.

Overall Look – C

Recommendation: moisturize your face, wear skirts just above the knee, and grow out your hair or let it down.  time isn’t slowing down Monica.