Archive for November, 2009

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Face & Hair – B

At least I learned something new today.  Didn’t know you could get herpes above your eye.  Those are the definition of Chicklet teeth.  Hair is sexy and she has nice skin but her eyes are way too squinty.  Mouth is a good size to fit things into.

Body – B

Tits are surprisingly small for a lingerie model.  Ass looks flat and legs lack definition.  This girl has the potential to be a real fatty when she gets older.  Ugly forearms and weird elbows.

Clothing – C+

Get rid of the unneeded stockings and ugly-ass shoes and I might be interested in turning away from the game to take an extra look.  On second thought, she should probably just get rid of the whole outfit for me to put in that kind of effort.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: quit trying to act hotter than you actually are

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Face & Hair – B+

Admittedly, she usually has a gorgeous face, but it’s ruined the second she opens her mouth and starts talking.  I really can’t fault anything except that disgusting hair.  It definitely has to smell.

Body – A

Again, not much to bitch about here.  Boobs could be a size bigger.  That’s about it.  Oh, and get rid of that huge vein on your left hand, too.

Clothing – D

D is for dreadful.  Monotone colors and sloppy fit all around.  Gross and unsexy.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: stop being so damn annoying so I can enjoy your body without the distraction of your horrible personality

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What kind of Italian names their daughter Alice?

Face & Hair – B-

This girl is 19 and looks 45, wtf.  Make-up is way overdone and the hair is just old-fashioned.  A fresh look is always better on a young girl like this.  Sad they did this to her.

Body – A-

If she’s Miss Italy I’d have to trust that she has a killer body.  Tough to tell in this outfit.

Clothing – C-

Looks like a sexy Dorothy without the red shoes.  Pardon me while I look for Toto under your skirt.  I actually hate the dress, stockings, and shoes.  Might as well just take them all off right now.

Overall Look – C+

Recommendation: look your age, make a sex tape, and lose your crown.  who wants to be judged on their beauty anyway?

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Face & Hair – B

I usually find her face frightening, but that sexy hair style is really helping out the mug in this pic.  The pissy look in her eyes isn’t helping, though.

Body – B

I think she ate a little too much dinner before heading out to the red carpet.  What a glutton.  I’m really feeling those legs.  Long, smooth, silky, and toned.  Glad she covered her feet cause they are fucked-up.

Clothing – B+

The pattern makes it look like she’s on the farm wearing overalls.  The color works for her and I love how short it is.  I can almost see the baby’s head.

Overall Look – B+

Recommendation: pop that beast out asap or you’ll ruin your career.  what?  oh, that’s right, what career.

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Face & Hair – B+

There’s something fresh and vibrant about her face that makes me super attracted to her.  Don’t even mind all the wrinkles around her eyes that much.  Great teeth and smile, but the hair is a little too 80s looking for my tastes.

Body – B

Getting a little chubby and certainly not as hot as she was in the Full House years, but at least she isn’t Kirstie Alley fat.  She has great feet and average boobs, but they work on her.  Arms are getting that old lady flabbiness to them.

Clothing – C-

Possibly the worst shoes I’ve seen lately.  Simply horrible.  The green dress color isn’t flattering, either.  Should have been a darker blue, purple or even plain black.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: tighten up the bod and straighten the hair, then I’d fill your house up full.

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Zelda Williams is definitely better looking that what I thought his sperm could produce.

Face & Hair – B-

Short hair is tough to pull off, but she does a good job with it.  The color is great, too.  Beautiful eyes but the Shrek teeth and colossal nose are quite distracting.

Body – B

Put a surgical mask on this girl and we have a winner.  Posture is questionable but she has fantastic legs that are really nice and tanned with tits that could use a slight upgrade.

Clothing – C

I think the top is straight out of the Hanes white trash collection.  The skirt really doesn’t fit all that well either.  It goes too skinny at the bottom which makes her hips look fatter than the probably are.

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: fix the teeth and stand up straight.  didn’t your father teach you anything?

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Face & Hair – C-

Her face scares the shit out of me.  No lie.  I wouldn’t let my penis anywhere near this woman.  I’m afraid I would never see it again.  Square face, greasy hair and a butt chin, how sexy.  Her teeth are the best part on that mug.

Body – B+

Even her regular fingernails are pointy.  Buy a fucking file and use it.  She does have a nice body, though.  As long as she’s not peeing herself, that is.

Clothing – B-

Gold and black how fucking ugly.  Plus those are just black jeans.  Should be the stretchy kind so we can at least tell if there’s a clam or a sausage in there.  Jackets on women are a waste as they just hide what us men really want to look at.  The thigh high boots are hot.

Overall Look – C+

Recommendation: stop with the crazy shit.  it’s not shocking or attractive.  focus on somehow making me believe you’re actually a woman.

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Face & Hair – C

Please quit reading Tammy Faye Baker’s cosmetology guide.  That make-up is whorendous.  You look like one of those scary Broadway Raggedy Ann dolls.  Eyebrows are too bushy and not even the same color as your hair.  Wrinkles already starting around her mouth, but she has a nice smile.  Hair is just too flat.

Body – A-

Killer body.  Nice and thin with great boobs.  Tiniest waist I’ve ever seen.  Feet are a little a little manish but not too bad.

Clothing – A

Love the dress.  It’s cute, light and everything matches.  Fits her frame perfectly and shows off her chest nicely.

Overall Look - B+

Recommendation: pay a professional to do up your face and cover the feet

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Face & Hair – B-

Blond hair is a terrible mistake.  And a bad blond color at that.  Reminds me of Bridget Nielsen and that sure isn’t an attractive woman.  The rest of her face is beautiful and doesn’t need all that make-up she has on.  Clownish-looking cheeks.

Body – B+

Those are some top-notch titties she has there.  Can’t deny that fact.  The rest of her body looks good because it’s in proportion.  Her shoulders are weird, though.  Look like a hanger and are too flat.

Clothing - B

Actually like the dress but not too sure on the color.  That hair color screws it up for me.  Maybe if it was strapless and a little shorter I would like it even better.

Overall Look – B

Recommendation: grab the first gay hair stylist you see and have him turn you back into a brunette asap

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…because she sure didn’t win the genetic lottery.

Face & Hair – D+

Wowzers!  Even that skin tone out with a little make-up, woman.  That is crazy disturbing.  And don’t pull the hair back like that because it just makes you look like a bitchy cunt.  Nice Spock ears, btw.

Body – B-

Her legs are odd.  I’m attracted to them for some reason but they also remind me of Madonna.  Calves are either over toned or fat.  Can’t tell much on the top because of the jacket, but her neck sure is thick.  Looks like she has extra long arms, too.

Clothing – B

Like the dress color but not a fan of the cut.  Should be tighter and not look so frumpy.  Jacket is worthless and should be given to the nearest homeless woman.

Overall Look – C+

Recommendation: just forget everything I’ve said and go spend that Beatles’ money