Archive for the ‘Britney Spears’ Category

Face & Hair – C-

Do your god damn hair instead of being lazy and throwing up in the Mrs. Garrett look.  Puffy cheeks, weird nose, huge ears, and a stubby chin.  Man this is depressing.

Body – D-

I don’t give a shit how crazy you are.  Get your fat ass in a gym and do some fucking crunches.  The way you look is completely uncalled for.  Just accept that you can’t stick those two bratty kids of yours back into your vagina and put in some work.  You’re 27 and knees even have wrinkles.  Ridiculous.

Clothing – F

No, this isn’t 1991.  Wearing super short cut off jeans to expose your thunderous thighs isn’t the best idea in the world.  Those boots are just the most grotesque things I’ve seen in a while.  They’re not cool and whoever told you they are is a fucking liar.  I think my grandmother had the longer version of that shirt in her closet.

Overall Look - D-

Recommendation: go back and watch your ‘I’m a Slave’ video and remember when guys actually used to whack off to you.

An Innocent Britney

That father of her’s must figure as long as she isn’t shaving her head off everything else is okay…

A source says, “Britney loves pole dancing, it is her new favorite workout. She gets the toning that she needs without having to hit the gym, and she wants to be able to do it in the privacy of her own hotel room. Keeping fit on the tour is very important as her show is full of rigorous dance routines, so Britney likes to do her pole dancing work out every morning when she gets up.”

Source:  Allie Is Wired

Blah, blah, blah.  What a bunch of bullshit.  She needs a stripper pole to stay in shape, yeah right.  I bet next she’ll need bananas to keep her mouth in the correct singing shape.  I give it 2 weeks before she’s doing private shows for the bellboys.

Britney Spears Possibly Pregnant Again

I must have missed sex-ed, yall…

This morning on his radio show, Ryan Seacrest announced that he heard from a “reliable source” that Brit is pregnant again.

There have been rumors about her relationship with a backup dancer as well as the random story about the real estate agent that her people denied. Plus, earlier this week the news broke that Britney might be ending her tour early.

Source:  Anything Hollywood

Well that sure didn’t take long.  Good job, Daddy Spears.  So much for getting your daughter’s life and career back in order.  Having a fat Britney Spears with raging hormones won’t be good for anybody.  Well, I guess I shouldn’t say anybody.  I’m sure there’s a salon somewhere in Hollywood featuring buzz cuts that will have a new client in about 3 months.  Crazy is good for the economy and our entertainment, people.

UPDATE: Apparently this turned-out to be untrue.  It’s a shame.  The world sure could have used another screwed-up kid.  Thanks for being selfish with your vagina, Britney.

Britney Spears - Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince

Those who don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them…

A source close to Britney – who is rumoured to be dating her backing dancer Chase Benz – said: “Britney’s face fell when Kevin told her he had proposed. She’s been flirting with her dancers and has a thing going on with Chase but she still loves Kevin and always hoped they’d get back together.

“It wouldn’t surprise me if her flirting with other guys was purely to make him jealous.”

Britney – who divorced Kevin in 2007 – is said to be particularly concerned with the amount of time Victoria will be spending with her sons.

Source:  Female First

Because an actual mother who at one time impulsively shaved her head, banged every back-up dancer she could get her hands on, was taken to the hospital on a stretched to have a mental evalution, and spoke in a British accent for no real reason is without question the best possible influence for a couple of young kids.  However, in this case I think I’ll take the ex-volleyball player with a desire to bang a fat, fake gangster loser over her anyday.  It really doesn’t matter, though.  In 10 years they’ll be sex addicted alcoholics with a 30-something Lindsay Lohan stalking them.  Either way those kids are screwed.

Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears

Of course I’ll Watch it…

Jessica Simpson is trying to persuade Britney Spears to join her for a new TV sitcom, according to U.S. reports.

The Dukes of Hazzard star has approached pop star Spears with the idea of teaming up for a buddy comedy like beloved series Laverne and Shirley, according to the Globe.

Source:  Female First

Great, because there just aren’t enough bad shows on TV already.  The only chance at success with this idea is if they both play mimes who are also window mannequins at a lingerie store.  Just stick them behind a 10 inch thick pane of glass modeling thongs and sexy bras and you’ve got a hit.  The only glitch I can see is that you may have to move them both over to a Lane Bryant window at some point.  I’m pretty sure a failed country singing career and certain ‘crazy people’ medications being taken by one of these girls will increase the visits to the craft services table on set.  Being washed-up or mentally unstable is one thing but being fat on top of that just won’t work.  America can only take so much.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

Please let there be the word ‘condom’ somewhere in this story…

“It’s like they’re newlyweds all over again,” a family insider tells Star Britney and Kevin, who have been traveling together for much of her Circus tour. “Brit and Kevin can’t keep their hands off each other! The flings have made them both a lot happier.”

Britney loves it when Kevin puts the moves on her, and she’s making her own too, says an insider. “She definitely knows how to fan the flames!”

But there’s one rather tall issue standing in the way – Kevin’s girlfriend, 5′10 ex-volleyball star Victoria Prince, who actually caught Britney and Kevin having sex on the sly!

Victoria “caught him with his hand in the cookie jar,” says a source.

Source:  Star Magazine

This isn’t good news at all.  I mean we’re dealing with people’s emotions here, and you have to think how this will affect…..wait, did you say there were cookies involved?  Everyone hide the hair clippers, we have a crisis of major proportions brewing here.  The sex part I can deal with, but you just crossed the line with those extra calories, K-Fed.  What the hell is she paying her Dad for anyway?  Isn’t he supposed to stop people from sneaking her controlled substances?

Britney Looking Sexy

Britney Spears romanced a backing dancer while her father was away on business.  The “Womanizer” singer reportedly took advantage of Jamie Spears’ absence earlier this month by canoodling with a hunk called Gio.

A source said: “Britney was a bad girl. Literally as soon as her dad left, she started getting cozy with a dancer named Gio. It wasn’t serious. They had a few romantic interludes.”

Source: Exposay

Just one guy?  They should be excited about that and give her puffy unicorn stickers and ice cream to celebrate.  They’re treating this like she’s acting out or something.  If a girl was really going to act out she would do  crazy things like:

• shave her head
• marry a back-up dancer and have two kids with him
• eat until she gets all fat and then performs at an awards show looking like she just got done cutting lines in the bathroom with a Vegas hooker and can’t remember what’s going on
• lock herself in her own house until an an ambulance comes and they wheel-out a stretcher in order to strap her down so she doesn’t hurt herself

Yeah, I think that’s what a girl would do if she wanted to act out.  Britney just had a few bangs with some dude that has a name similar to a junky economy car from the 90s.  That my friends is just good clean fun.

As I mentioned yesterday, it was being reported that Britney Spears was dating her manager of 5 years,  Jason Trawick, while also heating things up with Kevin Federline once again.  Today USWeekly put the squash on the former….

“He has been her agent for four years, and they are very close friends,” the source continues. “He gets on with her family, but there is absolutely categorically nothing romantic going on.

“Jason was on the road with Britney for three of her tour dates, but that is because that’s what agents do — they support their clients,” the source goes on. “Any stories of them being together are completely and utterly made up.”

Phew, he definitely dodged a bullet on this one.  The sort of bullet that doesn’t kill you but makes you pee razor blades in the morning.

E! News has learned that Spears, 27, has been secretly on dates with her longtime talent agent, Jason Trawick.

Trawick, 37, a William Morris Agency rep, recently joined Spears for the first four shows of her Circus tour, but we have learned that the two recently have grown much closer away from the workplace.

Oh, but the fun doesn’t stop there for Britney as Star is reporting:

Oops, they’re doing it again! Britney Spears and Kevin Federline went through a bitter divorce, but K-Fed is now waiting for Brit in the wings during her comeback concerts around the country – and sources tell Star that old loving feeling is coming back!

“The truth is, they’re falling in love again,” says an insider. “I don’t think they ever really fell out of love to begin with!”

Kevin has actually been gushing to his mom that being with Britney now reminds him of when they first fell in love in 2004, a family insider tells Star.

The family friend reveals there’s been “some kissing. It started when they agreed that Kevin would take the boys on tour. They’ve shared a lot of flirty moments.”

Let’s break this down, shall we?  2 Men, 2 Babies, & a Crazy Lady….i think i just came up with the greatest movie of all time!  I will tastefully bow out from taking one of the leading male roles, though.  Thanks, but I’m not interested in becoming part of an STD study at this time.

I really hope that is some sort of optical illusion from the water.  Oh, that reminds me, gotta pick up some cottage cheese tomorrow!