Archive for the ‘Jennifer Aniston’ Category

Someone please give her the high hard one.  I’d do it, but I’m not into old chicks.

Face & Hair – A-

Gotta give it to her, she always has great hair.  Now that face is a bit of a problem, though.  It’s nothing that hasn’t been said before.  Very manly jaw, and the fat in her face is beginning to drop into her jowls.   Wrinkles are more noticeable around her eyes and forehead.

Body - B

This woman looks defeated.  Slouched shoulders, sagging old lady tits, a slight pooch in the stomach area, and disturbingly veiny feet.  Legs are okay but knees have indents on them and it looks like she was just sucking dick on the red carpet.

Clothing – B+

Dress color goes well with her skin tone but has slight problems.  Don’t know what she has on underneath covering her chest but it’s distracting and needs to go.  Also, it shouldn’t have arms on and should be more like evening wear in a sundress style.  Shoes need to be removed and thrown into the nearest trash can or given to a homeless person.

Overall Look – B+

Recommendation: start hiding the feet and get some confidence.  some man will eventually like you enough to not cheat on you.

Jennifer Aniston Is Boring

I bet she was boring even doing stuff like this…

The Management star blushed just a little as she described her favorite partying outfit from back in the day: ripped tights, boots, a police hat (!) and “maybe a bra.”

“No one should have let us go outside like that!” winced Jen, who appeared on the show in a more sensible classic black thigh-length dress.

The normally reserved Aniston even told the studio audience that she used to climb up on the podiums around the dancefloor and dance the night away.

Source:  OK! Magazine

Of course you used to dance on the podiums and wear a goofy police hat.  Wasn’t this around the time when you were fat and before the nosejob.  Needy girls will do anything to get attention when they look like a mix between a cow and a pig.  I wonder if she knew then that someday a guy would choose to Twitter than to have sex with her.  Oh, the memories.

Jennifer Aniston and a confused Gerard Butler

I guess she’s at least trying to take some of my advice…

Jennifer Aniston fresh from another break-up, this time with player John Mayer is dipping into the same pond in pursuit of fellow actor and reputed womanizer, Gerard Butler according to the print issue of In Touch Magazine.

The unlucky in love former Friends star first sparked with the 300 star last September, at the Toronto International Film Festival, but they did not pursue it because Jen was still with John.

Now with Jen back on the prowl for another unattainable man she and Gerard have been secretly meeting in a New York apartment, a source has blabbed to In Touch.

Source:  Hot Momma Gossip

At least I don’t think this one would leave because he’d rather Twitter than have sex with her.  I think it would be more along the lines of because she won’t let him hold his own balls.  Just so you know ladies, that tends to scare a guy off.  And, honestly, a lot of  you don’t know how to do it right.  You know who you are.

Jennifer Aniston Desperately Wants A Man

Jennifer Aniston is really focused on finding someone to help her shoot a B out of her V…

Jen checked out a cute guy walking in. She looked him up and down … twice!” our source said. “She flashed him a beaming smile but got pulled back into a conversation with her girlfriends.”
Aniston giggled with two gal pals, and appeared excited to be at the charity concert, which raised more than $3 million to teach children how to meditate.

Source: The Superficial

Hey, that’s pretty cheap compared to the $10 million I hear they’re going to spend on a class that will teach children how to hate the real source of our society’s problems:  the poor.  The initial class will begin by learning the proper technique to make the homeless feel like their lives are meaningless by throwing a penny down a storm drain and then laughing wildly in their faces.  Follow that up by screaming “get a job you loser!” over and over again, and you’ve pretty much finished training on day one.  I’m shocked at how much useful knowlege and skills $10 million can buy these days.  I’ll definitely sleep better at night knowing our youth are gaining these useful skills that can be used to build a better tomorrow for all of us.  Praise the children.

Jennifer Aniston

This girl is just a glutton for punishment…

Jennifer Aniston is preparing to become a single mother.

The ‘Marley and Me’ actress, who split from musician John Mayer earlier this month, is so desperate to have children she is considering adopting or using donated sperm.

A source said: “In a perfect world, she’d get pregnant naturally. But if ‘Mr. Right’ doesn’t show up, she’s willing to adopt or try in vitro fertilisation using donated sperm. She is working out how she wants to proceed. But one thing is definite – she wants a baby, and she wants one soon. She is willing to become a single mother.”

Source: Female First

Can you really be is so lonely that you seriously consider taking a turkey baster in the ‘hey nanner nanner’ to make something that will be obligated to love you?  Because I sorta like her I’m going to lay out a plan that, if used properly, will guarantee her a brand new baby born of both a real penis and her own vagina:

1.  Smile more

2.  Get Over Yourself

3.  Date someone who isn’t a musician or always opening the premiere of his next movie

4.  Stay away from Oprah.  She’s a bad influence and will get you fat with all that sneaky eating she does.

5.  And the best advice of all…just be sluttier.

And that’s it.  Follow these easy steps and you’ll be popping out your own bundle of joy magically created from lifelong insecurity and desperation.  Good luck and get working on #5 ASAP.

According to People Magazine, the relationship between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer has now ended.

A source reveals that, “They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other. Jen is moving on with her life like she always does. She seems happy.”

A second source says Mayer broke up with Aniston after she returned from Europe.

I’m sorry, but there is no way she is happy.  She was just dumped for the second time by a 31 year old rock star while she is a 40 year old sour puss who just wants to spit some children out of her quickly deteriorating vagina.  But to be honest, I’d still hit it.