Archive for the ‘Lindsay Lohan’ Category

(click on pic to enlarge)

Face & Hair – D

Remember, this girl is only 23.  Wrinkly forehead, freckles galore, weirdly shaped and bushy eyebrows, and a nose that is swollen from all of the cocaine packed up there.  The next 23 is definitely going to be interesting.

Body – C

Globs of fat above the knees.  And if you have that many freckles get a fucking tan to tone them down a bit.  Ever time I look at you I’m reminded of Ron Howard and Howdy Doody.  Which reminds me, I have to use the bathroom.

Clothing – F-

I wish that thing around your head was actually around your neck and tied to a ceiling fan.  The skirt is okay, but the v-neck t-shirt and velvety top you’re wearing are awful.  It’s almost laughable.

Overall Look - E

Recommendation: lock yourself inside somewhere for about 5 years and work your shit out.  and if you still come back as ugly as you are now and still strung out, don’t worry there’s hope.  just ask Mickey Rourke.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindays Lohan hosting some event.  That company obviously doesn’t have much faith in their product.

Face & Hair – C-

Someone’s turning into a duck!  There’s something called pouty lips and then there’s blowing them up into pontoons.  She should never wear pink make-up of any kind, clashes with her pasty, freckled skin tone.  Hair is way too blonde and long.  Go back to a darker color and cut about 6 inches off.

Body – A

All I can judge are the legs in this pic because of the outfit, so…great looking legs.

Clothing – C+

I don’t even know what to call what she’s wearing.  The sheer top is horrendous.  The jacket looks like it has tails and she is off to belt out Beethoven’s 5th on a piano somewhere.  Her shoes are way too distracting and quite possible the most ugly thing I’ve ever seen.  And is she wearing fucking lifting gloves?!

Overall Look – B-

Recommendation: no more pink Miss Freckles, get a decent pair of black pumps instead of those nightmares you have on now, squeeze some of the silicone back out of your lips, and darken the hair ASAP.

Lindsay Lohan

No that isn’t Jessica Simpson smoking her weight away, it’s the even less classy Lindsay Lohan!

Face – B

With those huge sunglasses actually covering up a large portion of her prematurely wrinkly face covered in freckles, she is surprisingly attractive here.  There must be some sort of a problem with the photographer’s camera.

Body – D

The freckles just aren’t attractive.  She reminds me of a cracked out Strawberry Shortcake for some reason.  And what the fuck is going on with her legs?  They look to be two different sizes and the muscle on her right one is just freakish.

Clothing – C+

What is this return to the 80s day?  That shirt looks to be straight out of the Olivia Newton John collection.  Completely oversized and trashy.  At least she made up for that slightly by possibly not wearing any pants.

Overall Look – C

Recommendation:  go tanning so much that the freckles aren’t obvious any longer, get a tighter shirt, keep the skimpy shorts, ditch the large blueberry you’re carrying, and stop ruining your voice and health with the smoking.

Okay, I admit, this was a bit funnier than I had expected.  The words were funny, but she looks like a mess.  Check out Lindsay’s hands in the one close-up shot.  They look like she’s been bailing hay on a farm in Oklahoma since she was 11.  And her teeth and face just aren’t going well right now, either.  I say go back to penis for a while and get yourself healthy.  That vagina you’ve been messing with is obviously your kryptonite.  I just hope it wasn’t as green.  (Yeah, I know that’s gross.)

Lindsay Gets An Old Hair Color

I have a feeling this is building into something really good…

On Tuesday, Lohan, 22, accompanied by her younger sister Ali, went to Shamrock Social Club in West Hollywood for a new tattoo. The next day, Lohan made another change by going back to her roots: She stopped by the Byron & Tracey Salon and dyed her hair back to her trademark red.

Despite the drama swirling around her, Lohan, while appearing frantic at times, was friendly to those who stopped by her table to say hello. She chatted with her mother and sister, all exiting the restaurant around midnight.

Source:  People

Looks like she’s on the verge of doing some crazy shit so this might be my only shot.  I’ll need to run out right away and get all of her favorites to have any chance at beating out the other suitors.  Let’s check out my list before I go…Red Bull & Vodka (obviously), cigarettes, a strap-on (not for me, just so she feels more comfortable and in her element), a few different kinds of drugs, and maybe that bisexual stripper I met at the grocery store the other day.  That way I figure I’ve covered my bases if my attempt at being obsessed over by a 22 year old washed-up actress with a slightly manish voice fails miserably.  Just gotta be careful they don’t end up seeing each other or this will turn out like last time with me in the corner using my tears as lube.  What a lonely feeling that is.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay’s life is just so fascinating…

Let’s connect the dots here: So on Friday night, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson reportedly get into yet another fight. Then on Saturday, paps spot a locksmith at Sam’s place, changing the locks on the front door.

Source: TMZ

I don’t think just changing the locks is going to be enough.  She’s going to need a sophisticated Skank Alarm that picks-up any hint of Red Bull, alcohol,  or rancid fishy smells within 100 feet of her house.  In other words, she should just get one of her lumberjack lesbian friends to patrol the grounds.  That way we’ll at least have the possibility of a vomit-inducing threesome to look forward to.  Hey, I’m just trying to figure out the best possible solution for all parties involved.  I’m sensitive like that.

Dina, Ali & Lindsay Lohan

An obvious sign that she has just given-up on this whole trying to raise well-adjusted children thing….

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.

“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.

“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.

Source: The Scoop

I don’t think the bouncer needs to be told about mistakes from this clan of decision-challenged harpies.  I’ll give the youngest/oldest-looking one the benefit of the doubt and assume at 15 she’s just too stupid yet to figure out how horrible the other two really are.  But watch your back, Ali.  The instant I find out you can do your multiplication tables I expect you to run screaming from that Lohan house.  If you don’t, I’ll have no other choice than to post words next to your name like whore, talentless, coke binge, porn shoot, pregnancy scare, etc.  You’re choice, choose wisely.

Paris Hilton, Robocop, Data, & Cyclops

This amazing advancement in medical science was accidentally discovered during back-to-back-to-back showings of Robocop, Star Trek: First Contact, X-Men at the Doctor’s Who Study Veneral Diseases of Useless Individuals Conference in Los Angeles.  Obviously, their first choice to conduct the trial study was Ms. Itchy Crotch herself, Paris Hilton.  The device itself works by altering your vision to make not only your own genitals, but also those of the other 5 people you’re about to have random group sex with appear completely smooth and unaffected by any sort of nasty infection or unsightly bumps.  During the brief time that MS. Hilton has been using the glasses they were also able to determine that they work more efficiently on people who find it difficult to score over 85 on an IQ test and lack good judgement skills.  Because of the exciting results so far, the doctors have decided to begin working on a device for your nose that will instantly mask the pungent smells of a yeast infection.  I hear they have Lindsay Lohan lined-up to test that one.  Gotta love science!

Tyson Beckford Lindsay Lohan

Following a story from last week in which he basically said that actors should stick to acting and quit stealing jobs from real models, Tyson Beckford decided to demonstrate his Rhodes Scholar-like intelligence while commenting on the news that Lindsay Lohan is interested in signing with an agency to in fact do more modeling…

Beckford, who attended a Make Me A Supermodel bash Tuesday in NYC, told Usmagazine.com, “She has the partying part down right. But I don’t think she’s got the focus. I mean, it requires a lot of focus and a lot of people think they can do it, but they really find that it’s a lot harder.”

Added the model, “Ask anyone – it’s a lot harder than it looks. I guess that’s why they call us supermodels – we make it look easy. But it’s not as easy as it looks, so I wish her all the best.”

Source: US Magazine

When someone is insistant that what they are doing is really hard work you can almost bet that it’s actually the exact opposite of that.  It’s a way to make people think you’re more talented than you really are.  So if I ever say that it’s excruciatingly difficult to make fun of Tyson Beckford, you’ll know what I really mean.

After her crazy weekend, poor little Lindsay Lohan was just involved in yet another fender bender…

Hours after attending a court-ordered alcohol-education class, Lindsay Lohan has already found herself involved in another collision—only this time it wasn’t she who was doing the driving.

The 22-year-old tabloid princess was sitting in the passenger seat of a black SUV when her driver crashed into a wall outside the Mondrian Hotel in West Hollywood, E! News has confirmed.

The fender bender occurred at approximately 3:30 a.m. this morning. Hotel security kept the driver, who also doubled as Lohan’s bodyguard, from leaving until they questioned him and took a report of the incident while the beseiged actress waited in the car, surrounded by swarming paparazzi.

Afterward, Lohan’s vehicle was filmed speeding off from the shutterbugs who subsequently gave chase.

Source: E!Online

I’m sure that’s not the first time she’s slammed something and ran off afterwards.